MorningPages

Hello good morning. Welcome to my expressionist challenge based on a favorite book “The Artist Way”. Write 5 lines of stream of consciousness on ‘anything you want’ or pick theme ‘first thing you see in the morning’

Do this in a journal, in a facebook group or scrap paper. Add to it each day you feel inspired. here is mine::: Good luck.

so the airlines are giving covid tests how nice i like that idea but pissed that they charge the customer i mean what the fuck is with dat. twoo hundy dollars to make you rich but i need to buy my own tuxedo to server you at my catering job that you flew in from your second home so now you get to feel like a good person for helping the cause with your riches yet again.

let it go let it flow

So woman of a certain generation are taught that the only way to keep from falling off the edge is to have a stable man. stable in the eyes of my parents is working and working a good job which means lots of money or at least the ambition desire to make more money for the family to show that they are in it for the long haul and are committed to the vows they took. Man I never realized how hard it is to be a self sacrificing man piggy bank. whoops.

why do parents use santa as easy blame puppet for bad good little girls and boys when santa just want tobe jolly. st nick is a saint and by definition a saint like mother theresa is obligated to treat all the kids the same kinda like jesuse i am guessing since he is a saint prophet sort of dude and why wouldn’s santa be te same. now i think it is too good to pass up for the mommy and daddy birds to rake his name in the mud… poor poor santa.

join us at bobcats tiny house to keep your story alive. let it flow

gaslighting is a new term to me even though i spent my entire forty five years on this earth, and some other lifetimes i am sure, as a seeker of truth and a deep diver into my hidden darkness. the womb was the first dark place that i felt the echo of what i have come to learn is gaslighting. funny how the little piggies that went to market like to wrestle in the mud. fun.

what is the problem how many sides of the equation and my typing skills are rusty i blame the keyboard for my lack of spelling and grammer that the workspace mom terrorized me for. not knowing that i won the spelling bee and i got the certificate on a piece of paper lost in a wothless piece of tree that once held the whole oak.

Morning Pages:

hello self. hello world. will they think you are crazy. will they think you are crazy. mama said they would all say you are crazy and she was right they did even though they don’t know what crazy is. i didn’t know and i lived with it and now i am stuck and unstuck and all over the place to attach to the one thing to bring me relief. as we do as soon as we enter out of the vagina, i said it again fearing. and fearing and fearing words. dangerous words. left inside waiting for a volcano to push them out yet is the destruction worth it. for words out loud and not care not worry crazy iz.

Note to self; never trust a person who will yell and off load anger and pain onto you and never come back to repair the damage. They will murder you. Note to self: Never trust a person who fights to get my attention even though I make no contact, they will murder you. lol. we are all capable of murder. If i am capable of suicide murder i am capable of murder murder. adam lanza. the fine line between murder an suicide and the red flags to stop my self from self harm or other harm. repair. repair repair is nothing without honest touch stones. the circle of trust that is not mentally ill and there is no doubt they are healthy. It is the only way to see out. I can’t see out on my own because I have been in a trance since age zero and enterted into an empty vessel born desperate to get them to love me. Needy clingy oral fixation that i attach to men. lonliness. friends.. false saviors to save me from myself. I need to be saved. I need to save myself. a see saw that can make you dizzy. The line of charming is hard to tell if they are looking through me or looking at me. Feeding my ability to show off and be their cirus monkey that I blame for holding the puppet strings. My pattern. i do this. I admit it and that mean nothing and everything in my prayer for healing. my prayer to not murder anyone out of impulsive anger meant for mom and dad. my prayer to not suicide out of vengence and emotional blackmail to my ego meant to blame mom and dad. My pattern. the pattern of the co dependant. the self love deficit disorder. My patter of wound bonding and trauma bonding. Narcassistic and anti social personality disorder what is that. how do I protect myself from being a victim or a perpurtrator. The hard edge deceit of others or myself and the chaos that keeps me from having remorse and lock my shame in projection. Blaming others over and over again. How do i share my story. how do i stay naked in the red light without getting burned. Mike died on the stake and shocked me to my core. Big Red and all the mocking and ridicule i gave to my classmates on the playground that i can never take back and is ringing in their heads even in the now. shame for the bully i was going along with wiping dirt onto her skirt because we all hated her for acting like laura ingalls and having red hair and being big boned. labeled for life or at least until college when we can re invent ourselves and forget that we had this other life in which we are forever seen as Big red the dork. harmless cuz it was so long ago and she should get over it. I have obliviously in my brush off to the bully i was at school to show off to mom and dad on my report card secret fort behind the swingset out back in the woods where the teachers can’t see us. come on………

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