As i move through my dark knight of the soul I have had to give up and let go of many things. Some I released willingly and much was torn from my life and left me in devastation and despair. During this time I have taken an intentional break from performing and found the first few months i was filled with a nervous dread. I worried that I would be nothing without being at the mic and that my artist self would be seen as illegitimate.
As in the spirit of expression monday’s and new earth life I had to lean into this discomfort and force myself to not impulsively perform in order to prove to myself and the world that I own my poetry. I wish I could say this was easy but with the pressure from some well meaning and not so well meaning comrades I found that I was not the only one who measured my success by showing in up in mouth and body. Through this uncharted waters I learned that my mind wanted to dismiss all the work that I have done since I was 7years old and all the writings I have loaded into binders and scribbled onto paper; because I wasn’t taking it to the streets.
I have not made it yet to the other side of this discomfort but I have found a deeper appreciating for writing in private. There is odd yet fun satisfaction in saying all that is on my mind and not censoring myself because I will have to answer for it at the next open mic. I admit I had moment when I thought I would loose my mind, not from missing performing (I welcome the break), but from the phantom rejection that peers would dose out due to my random babbling.
In art we are always reaching new bottoms and new highs and to walk that shaky ground of not knowing what will come out of my keyboard is life juice that is worth the months of the bottom dropping out on me. I am in full performance detox and have found the time to reflect upon that little girl who had no fear in her anxiety to learn the audition song for the local production of Annie. I was not cast in the show and I was yelled at during the audition for having a crappy voice but my love of theatre and art was not broken and I went gently into that tunnel to face the storm of ego and inspiration.
I have enjoyed every aspect of the creative world behind the scenes and in front and still I am in awe with how much more there is to explore. I appreciate all my followers, friends and fans who have allowed me to take you on my journey and I am blessed to be left with a thirst to dig deep into the words that lay below my surface. This shit is real and since I escaped death i might as well fall gracefully into Performance detox.