i am in a existential crisis warp. one of self fulfilling prophecy that my parents tattooed on my butt when i was born a girl and not a boy. They even sang a catchy song that would hypnotize me still to yesterday whenever i had brought a gripe of grievance to be taken serious.
la la i am not listening but children always are even when they try not too. It is survival. helpless. powerless. neglect from your earthly makers is a devastation that the normal mind can only tap into with a moan. Less than a year ago my mother reminded me that i had no friends and that no body wants to be around me and i am alone and miserable. I knew this coding was below the surface but to admit it to my face was a bold i wasn’t prepared for but always knew.
Less than a year ago my dad physically assault me and lied about it. outload as if i wasn’t just laying on the concrete floor and my glasses care of Ct husky weren’t ruined leaving me to grey tape; though now i use blue to be modern area. Duct tape was off limits to children in our house and at that moment when my parent’s reduced me to a toddler i was not going to ask to borrow “daddy tape” That would be a sin to the ten commandments.
So now my “lesson’ is to suck it up and deal with alone. all alone. no friends. not one person to visit me on my deathbed or in my life vive. Well unless they are looking to wave the doggy in my face to be my surrogate savior or be my daddy and I’ll take care of you better cuz an angry woman needs to be tamed.
It is my anger now and i done deserve it for being born to abusers and flying monkeys who are all stunned by the flash bulb that makes me question the truth. All the validation laid on the refrigerator locked in a “believe me” i love you can’t you tell by Stage Dad pushing Stage mom to make meaning for giving up a career in television; though television was never on the agenda. But a vocation indeed while i soaked up the boob on Oprah, Halle and Mariah but not before thursday night showcase and Saturday night popcorn and big screen…. Maybe if you dont piss me of or I don’t have a show I want to watch….
now leave me alone….. prophecy fulfilled. Generation pasted down…….. Hug the children and be a friend to your friends and get rid of those who just are not or else you will end up just like me…
Miserable and alll alone….. self fulfilled enough…