As the energy of coronavirus starts to lift and i can already hear the spring bird, though snow has not yet fallen I am confronted by my own dating procrastination.
It dawned on me that i have unconsciously intentionally been celibate for the three ish years. I have been aware of my crossroads from friends with benefits and let’s see where this will go casual hook me ups but to actively be alone was an easy decision when i was running away from something i didn’t want anymore but has shown to be a procrastination towards what i deserve now.
My experiment was a success. I proved my independence and virtuous will power to keep my legs crossed so now that it is over which road do I take. A new day to start over but in what style. I don’t need to go through the alleys that I have been and am wise enough to stop poking my head into side streets. But what now. I don’t have faith in the online dating world, and yes i have done it. I have exhausted singles mixers, hikers for lovers and any other text book technique to act like you aren’t looking while doing something you love.
Dating procrastination. How to get back out there when i no longer have a mold or a list to check off all the things I am supposed to look for and all the things I learned to do better. I no longer can pretend that I am not lonely or that I need to sacrifice love for my art. I can’t admit anymore that is is ok to be solitary on an earth that is all about relationships. I can no longer deny myself the fruit of my loins to appease a fear of the next and the corner to turn.
Procrastinate dating is not a way to live. no woman is an island and it is not weak to no longer live alone and admit that. Out loud. In humiliation. Desperation. Exaltation to a deeper well that goes beyond the judgement of i got mine now you earn yours. In foolishment and embarrassment to do the deep stare into a void that we each pretend not to have to hoard love for the successful and grateful.
Dating procrastination is no longer an option when we live a world so disconnected and the demons in the mind aren’t meant to be carried with an uncaring bunch of apples. We are designed to live in pairs and diminishing this natural truth within myself is a disrespect to the body temple I have been blessed to plead for.
Life has mad individualism a grand prize and self reliance a necessity in a web that works together with the sun and the rain and the slaughtered cow meat through the drive through. To keep myself in a cage of one footed pedestal balancing is keep myself open to the tornadoes waiting for me to waver, not knowing that i am a willow tree and i bend before I break.
So I surrender to the scaffolding in which all buildings rely on to keep the coarse weather from tearing away the foundation. Done with my hermitage and mental bitch slapping. Tired of woman hear me roar with longing and open to long for the thing we own and deserve.. Love.. I am ready for you.. and I am afraid to admit it………..